Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Realization on my Acute Pyelonephritis

For the past months and days that I have the energy to the maximum level that I can fully and 100% do what I want to do, it is the biggest and the most fulfilling part of my life. Those were the days that I can fully say that I am at my utmost and ultimate best. Those days were the times that I am active and can laugh and smile. Those times were the strongest and the most bravest of me.

Out from the endless vigor that I have that I can be able to fully perform all the things that I can do, those optimum strength, I guess will not vanish nor will gradually lost. I can't even totally accept now that I am suffering from Acute Pyelonephritis, a kind of disease that could kill if I am not going to take heed on its causes right now. 

I thought that I can be active then and now. I thought that the spirit of being strong will not deplete me. I was so shocked to think that my bodily pain turns out to be acute. I might afraid that this will turn to chronic. That is the case that I can't accept. 

Fronting this fact, I was in despair. I feel like impotent and unstable. I feel like I can't do what I want to do now. I feel like I can't be able to be at my best now that I am suffering from this kind of serious disease. I thought that it was just a fever or just plain bodily pain. I was wrong. I got the most cruel disease. 

I have been thinking - How could I be able now to fully help my sisters. How could I sustain them that I am the breadwinner of the family. How could I do things like before that I feel like useless and hopeless of this. 

There are those times that I have recalled all those wonderful things that I have done while I am skill okay. I should have done all things before, those times that I am well. Now, I am afraid that I could not do things that I want to do. I don't want to be impotent. I don't want to be unstable. I don't want this disease. 

I have realized that I should help myself first, that I should prioritize my health more now. I have learned to be healthy and give justice to my health. I pray. I now gain the touch of God in me, that He wants me to stop from my busy world and think and pray to Him. 

Despite of this, I never lose hope. I will always strive and stand tall. I will face this fear. I will heal myself. I will stay positive in spite of this impotency. I will be okay. I will be strong. I will gain the vigor I have before. I know I can. And I will.

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